Potheads not the only complainers

Eddy Elmer

The University of Toronto Varsity, 19 March 1996

For decades, we have labelled ourselves "Homo sapiens", but few of us are aware of the true scientific name—"Painus in the assus". Humans are organisms whose survival depends upon finding fault with everything in society. However, these organisms often partake in the very behaviours which they consistently reproach. Why is this?

The first reason is the simplest. People complain to vent pent-up anger. Those who consistently write letters to the editor of local newspapers, for example, complaining about city council and condemning new pooper-scooper by-laws as fascist and morally reprehensible are, in reality, trying to work through either: marital discord; multiple bad hair days; or trauma stemming from the recent cancellation of Designing Women.

Anonymous folk who call radio talk shows to complain about the unjust slaughter of animals are not really carrot-worshipping, die-hard vegans, but, rather, people who most likely had massive fallings-out with their butchers at the local A&P because their salami was cut too thin.

And of course, those who always rant and rave about the prevalence of pornography in today's society couldn't care less about morals, but are, rather, upset that their memberships at Bruno's XXX Videos were cancelled because they forgot to rewind Debbie Does Dallas a few too many times.

The second reason people complain is because they lack hobbies. An example is the modern-day, has-been politician who, having screwed over an entire political career, and not being able to build model planes, knit, crochet, or imbibe fine cognac, resorts to endless quips about everything from inter-governmental control of Twinkie smuggling, to employment equity for farm animals.

Former prime ministers who launch multi-million dollar lawsuits against the federal government do so not because they believe in the justice system or in fair play, but because their golf carts are out for repair, they've misplaced their bowling balls, and their dogs have quickly discovered their secret stashes of Rémy Martin.

I certainly need not mention that the wife of Dan Quayle, the vice president who condemned Murphy Brown as a corrupt, sin-loving social institution totally devoid of any family values, purloined his fishing rod because she felt he was neglecting her emotionally, which of course ended his fishing hobby, in turn leaving no further reason to watch Bill Saiff's Rod & Reel, and therefore encouraging his almost habitual fascination with the FYI gang to fill in his 9 p.m. viewing timeslot.

Some personality difficulties may also bring on the urge to complain. Those who persistently appear on assorted television talk shows to share with the world their every gripe are, of course, narcissists. This would explain the frequency of guests who continuously look into the cameras while provocatively crossing their legs and playing with their hair, all the while grandstanding enough to put Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran to shame. They die, you see, to worship their image on the television screen.

Your best friend, who when at a party complains at every opportunity ("the music sucks", "everyone here is a geek", "this dip tastes like barf", "you smell") is obsessive, preoccupied with making everyone's life hell in order to wean himself from habitually washing his hands 900 times a day and involuntarily ironing his roommate's underwear all too often.

Finally, the sarcastic and pessimistic complainer who will even complain about the size of his own penis is really a masochist, condemning every single person he can think of, and welcoming rebuttals in hopes of enjoying titillation by rude and vicious comebacks about his mother.

But being a pothead is the number one reason people complain. Strong doses of marijuana often promote fluctuating emotions, fragmentary thoughts, and an altered state of self-identity—all the while fostering feelings of heightened worldly intuition. Hence the prevalence of stoners who not only feel more than happy at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast, but who think they're God and the whole world licks.

Yet we mustn't condemn complainers because that would render us hypocrites. During this entire article I have been complaining about complainers, and you have probably been complaining about my noxious view of the complainers.

So what does this mean? Quite simply, it means three things. First, we're all human (so we shouldn't really complain that we're nothing more than complainers).

Second, we all need to lighten up (because what starts off as innocent complaining turns into knuckle-sandwich-in-your-face complaining by people who complain about complainers who complain that we shouldn't complain so much).

And third, half of us need to stop smoking so many joints (self-explanatory).

Eddy Elmer is a U of T student who never complains and definitely never smokes drugs.