The word "respect" has become very fashionable over the last several years. Much like the terms "self esteem", "assertiveness", and "sensitivity", it is used give the impression of psychological savvy. And so naturally it is bandied about and invoked at the slightest disagreement between persons. Don't like how I do my job? You disrespect me. Don't agree with my opinion? You disrespect me. Don't like how I sulk when I'm upset with you? You disrespect me. Don't like how I hog the bathroom? You disrespect me. Don't like my shoes? You disrespect me. In fact, not only do you disrespect me, but you disrespect my shoes too! That just proves I was right all along—you're one of the most disrespectful people I've ever met! The connection between these situations and respect is so tenuous that I can't help but hear Aretha singing in the background:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
Find out what it means to me.
Of course, it also works the other way round. How come you never show respect for how I do my job? Because respect is earned. How come you don't respect my right to sulk when I'm ticked off? Because in this relationship, my respect is earned. How come you don't respect me as your roommate? Because to get respect, you have to earn it first.
Some people demand it; others want you to beg for it. Still others swim in their own. I'll do my job whatever way I want because I respect my way of doing it. I'll give you the silent treatment if I want to because I respect my feelings. I'll hog the bathroom because I respect my space. For these people, Madonna said it best:
Express yourself,
So you can respect yourself.
The invocation of the respect card often happens so quickly, so automatically—and is inflexible (and vague) enough to fit any conceivable situation—that rarely are we given time to think about what exactly someone means when they throw that word at us. Which, of course, is the beauty of it. Like anything fashionable, too much thought and reflection threatens to expose the dubious foundations upon which it's built. If we think too much about the word respect, we'll realise it's just another example of vexatious doublespeak—a word that deliberately disguises its actual meaning.
To expose the word's true meaning would be a dilemma for the people who desperately hide behind it. Indeed, because our culture has loaded the term with such emotional baggage, to accuse someone of being disrespectful automatically shuts off all thinking processes and pre-empts any possible resolution of interpersonal discord. How can one possibly voice disagreement with another person if he "realises" what a "disrespectful" ogre he has been?
So what do I think really lurks behind use of the word "respect"? Because people hysterically invoke the word in such a wide variety of circumstances, I think it would make sense that what lurks behind respect is something just as wide-ranging—profound disrespect of oneself. For many situations in which disrespect seems to be the point of contention, I could argue that the real issue is much more individual.
Our friend who has the tendency to sulk when we're angry at him knows—on some level—that this drives us nuts and, in turn, makes us react in an angry—and allegedly "disrespectful"—way. It's as if he wants us to disrespect him—to confirm for him how he feels about himself or to repeatedly recreate the only kind of relationship he knows: one in which the only way to maintain intimate contact is to engage in this kind of knotted behaviour. Shrinks might better know the dynamic as projective identification, but I know it better as "It's my job to disrespect myself, not yours."
Similarly, the roommate who always hogs the bathroom knows her behaviour is offensive, yet engages in it anyway and asks for precisely the disrespectful behaviour that she accuses you of unjustly displaying towards her. These situations have nothing to do with respect between persons and everything to do with one's own self loathing.
The friend who heaps scorn and accusations of disrespect when you say you don't really like her shoes is telling in a different sort of way. Here we have a person who mistakes another person's respect for liking. She fails to understand that a person can respect another even though she doesn't necessarily like something about that person—or even if she doesn't like the actual person. But in a culture in which we feel we're not worth much if everyone doesn't like us, we interpret everything as an evaluation of ourselves as people. Any criticisms are taken as an affront—as disrespect. If Susan doesn't like my shoes and dares say it to me, that means she doesn't have respect for me, and, obviously, it means she doesn't like me as a person. The simple truth may be that Susan hates my shoes but still likes and respects me. Or it may even be that she dislikes both my shoes and myself, but still respects me as a person. Whenever people make giant leaps from simple realities to big issues like respect, the underlying motivations are always suspect.
So if the person who demands respect is suspect, what do we make of the one who makes us bend over backwards to earn his respect? The person who sees himself as having a monopoly on respect—as controlling its giving and receiving much as a commodity on the stock market? The person who doesn't believe that all humans deserve respect for the simple fact that they are humans? This person is perhaps the epitome of our times. His sense of purpose and meaning in life comes from his perceived ability to control how others feel about themselves. And of course it should come from there, because he can't see it as coming from anywhere else.
This is the most difficult person to challenge because exposing the the true motivation behind his reverence for respect risks pulling the entire ground from under his feet. I once knew a person who routinely made fun of my way of seeing the world. Now granted, I know I'm a little bit "out there", but I think my perceptions and opinions should be respected for the simple fact that they are who I am. Goodness knows I went out of my way to be respectful of him and his approach to the world. But whenever I asked him to be more respectful of me, he told me that I had to earn my respect from him. He thought nothing of the fact that I never demanded my respect be earned. After a little while, I started to realise that the idea of "free" respect (for lack of a better term) was profoundly frightening to this person. A level playing field—in which all people are equally respected for the simple fact that they are humans—would leave him no special place or role in the world. He would no longer be president of the Bank of Respect. And it would most certainly make him long for the sense of control that he so cherished his whole life.
But what if this person had something more profound to live for? What if he got up each morning and had something to look forward to that was beyond his own life? I don't think he'd have too much time to tally up the credit and debit sections of his respect ledger (which is basically what he did). In fact, I think he'd find it boring and perverse. But alas, each day we're faced with people like this. Bosses, co-workers, teachers, neighbours, even family members. Each one of them has so little self respect that they have to live under the illusion that they have oodles of it give (for a price, of course).
Paradoxically, the people who go overboard in waving the self respect flag probably don't have much true self respect either. We see these people lurking in our children's schools, gleefully making "I respect myself!" posters to pin up on the hallway bulletin boards. For these people, not only is self respect something we ought to give ourselves, but it's the entire reason for living. I wake up each morning so I can bask in the glory of my self respect! But if one's time is spent entirely on respecting oneself, where is there time to develop the self that is to be respected in the first place? If one has nothing else to live for but self respect, what's the point of having a self? People seem to have forgotten the notion that respect is like a mirror of yourself. If you respect yourself, others will respect you in turn. However, you are the mirror, and if there is no fundamental self to be reflected alongside the self respect, then the mirror is empty. Purposeful and meaningful living is the key to creating the self and the mirror by which we see and respect ourselves, by which others see and respect us, and by which we see—and hopefully respect—others.
But respect will not be considered in this way so long as it remains the latest fashion statement. Indeed, you're considered hip, trendy, self-aware—even "spiritual"—if you go out of your way to show that you respect not only others, but also yourself. Respect—especially when you use the actual word in everyday conversation— equals sensitivity and confidence, and this equals a certain sense of sexiness. Being aware of respect means you have high "emotional intelligence" and this puts you in a social elite. But like all fashions, it's self-serving and, ultimately, false. I can talk all I want about how much I "respect" my friends and how I care enough about myself that I demand "respect", but this is hollow doublespeak only meant to make myself look good and obfuscate my true feelings of insecurity, meaninglessness, and emptiness. The only hope I have is that, like all trends and fashions, "respect" as we commonly know it will become so yesterday. Then, like self esteem, assertiveness, and sensitivity, it will finally reclaim its original meanings—and people will have to find some other word to hide behind.
Copyright © 2004, by Eddy M. Elmer
Permanent URL: http://www.eddyelmer.com/articles/respmean.htm