The deception quota: Embellishing your job titles

Eddy Elmer

Stoney Creek News, 8 May 1996

The controversial Bill 304 calls for sweeping changes to hiring practices, allowing employers to refuse jobs to applicants whose resumes are not sufficiently deceitful, particularly as regards the flagrant embellishment and exaggeration of previous job titles. The assumption underlying Bill 304 is that if an applicant can successfully mislead his or her own employer, said applicant can easily mislead customers, thereby driving up revenues and bolstering the bottom line.

I know what you're saying. Damn that government for doing this now—just as I'm applying for summer work. But not to fret. Deceiving potential employers by accessorising your resume with the right words is really quite easy—and pretty darned enjoyable, too!

Let's start with the most common of all job experiences: babysitter. This is a respectable vocation. And as far as I'm concerned, the term should be replaced with "child care giver". Not only does this sound spiffy, but it also applies to the most evil of babysitters. Even if, like many other sitters, you regularly stuffed brats in the washing machine and then went out shopping, it cannot be denied that children were involved; that you took care to threaten them if they told their parents what you did to them; and that there was giving of some sort involved (for instance, the Spam you fed them for dinner while you ate an entire pizza).

Now we move on to the secretary. Many people can tell you that life without a secretary is next to impossible, so if this was one of your previous positions, pat yourself on the back, scratch "secretary" off your resume, and put down "executive administrative assistant". If you worked in an office, I'm sure you assisted in executing lots of administrative duties. Who'll know that all you administered was Nescafe and paper in the photocopier? I mean, your boss was happy, and a happy boss means good business, and a good business means a good economy. All because of you! (Incidentally, for all you receptionists out there, the proper term is "client liaison").

What about "cashier at Shoppers Drug Mart"? Heavens no. I can just see the personnel manager at a big corporation reading your resume: "impressive...university student, scholarships, Dean's List, three languages, and...cashier at Shoppers Drug Mart?" No, no, no. You weren't that. You were a "personal care agent". It doesn't matter what anyone says—helping a customer choose Clairol hair colours is just as important as preparing prescription drugs. As I see it, a customer might not be able to live without either one! Clearly, there is justification for an elevated job title.

"Pumped gas at Sunoco". Here you might do better with "automobile maintenance attendant". This almost elevates you to mechanic! Come to think of it, what's the big difference? Both keep cars running. One just has to kiss the bottom of one, while the other gets to wear cool duds, play with a hose, and ask his customers if they want to purchase any Pocahontas coffee mugs. Enough said.

The same creative techniques apply to listing volunteer experience, especially things like "candy striper" in a hospital. You should strive for "junior hospitality engineer". You worked in a hospital, so I'm sure you engineered lots of ways to convince patients to eat the slop hospitals pass off as food and to empty bedpans without getting all dirty.

Other positions which often require augmenting include "clerk at Wal-Mart" (should be "retail officer"), housepainter (should be "exterior decorator"), hairdresser (should be "glamour technician"), janitor (should be "resident stationary engineer"), stripper (should be "fantasy facilitator"), and waitress (should always be "hostess").

I sympathise if you're a timid young person and don't want to follow the provincial government's proposed guidelines, but it's either that or be a couch potato this summer. And make no mistake, you'll be quite disappointed when you go out looking for a job the next year and realise that nobody wants to hire a "professional Oprah watcher".