You know the situations well. That attractive girl in your tutorial says
"hi", but your mouth goes dry, your stomach knots, and all you manage is a
barely perceptible nod as you bury your face in a book. In class, you have a great idea to
share or an important question to ask, but you remain silent for fear of "sounding
foolish". Your friends ask you to join in on a group conversation and you immediately
blush and sweat. You become a regular wallflower at nearly every social outing you muster
the courage to attend.
Many of us are all too familiar with shyness—that personality trait marked by an
uncomfortable fear (and often avoidance) of other people, especially those you perceive as
emotionally threatening. This can include strangers, people in authority, members of the
opposite sex, or others who may (or whom you perceive may) evaluate you in some way
(Zimbardo 1977).
Interestingly, in many ways shyness is a positive trait. Shys are often perceived as
easier to approach, good listeners, and more empathic than others. Yet for many shys, it
is anything but positive, often barring them from meeting new people and developing
intimate, supportive relationships. It can also significantly hinder performance at school
and work. The end result is not only frustration and lack of a sense of self-efficacy, but
often a profound sense of isolation and loneliness which has been linked with depression
and other emotional problems (e.g. Brown & Harris 1978), decreased immune functioning
(e.g. Kiecolt-Glaser et al. 1984), and increased overall mortality (e.g. House et al.
1988).
What may come as a surprise is just how many people are shy. Surveys indicate 30-40% of
Americans label themselves as dispositionally shy (Pilkonis et al. 1980). Even noted
celebrities such as David Letterman, Kevin Costner, and Barbara Walters are self-admitted
shy people. They, like a significant proportion of shy individuals, are what are termed
"privately shy;" they learn to appear at ease on the surface, while internally
they experience nagging self-doubts and a pounding heart while in a social setting.
Shys are united by significant self-consciousness, which of course includes being
self-conscious about being self-conscious. They spend a disproportionate amount of time
focusing on themselves and their flaws and often compare themselves negatively against the
most outgoing people—neglecting the fact that most people are just like them: fairly
reserved.
To make matters worse, shys' social avoidance is often interpreted as snobbery or
aloofness—and indeed in some cases the interpretation is correct, as some shys
express anger at others for their alienation and adopt a stance of superiority as they
further distance themselves from people.
Furthermore, some shys turn to alcohol and drugs in efforts to function more effectively
in social settings and ease their loneliness. Unfortunately, alcohol acts merely as
disguise and impairs the cognitive faculties necessary for developing truly effective
social skills that engage others and foster honest, meaningful relationships.
In some cases, shyness is so severe that it is deemed an anxiety
disorder—"social phobia." With a lifetime prevalence of 13% in the US (see
Fones et al. 1998), social phobia is a serious medical condition characterized by a
persistent and overwhelming fear of all or specific social situations in which an
individual believes s/he may be embarrassed or humiliated, and is accompanied by
distressing panic-like symptoms and marked avoidance of such social situations, both of
which profoundly impact the individual's daily functioning. In each case, the individual
believes the fear to be exaggerated. Social phobia may have a familial (Rush et al. 1998)
and biochemical component, and, unlike shyness usually requires behavioural and/or drug
therapy.
So what can be done about shyness? Research over the years suggest shys are better off
embracing and successfully adapting to their shyness rather than trying either to deny or
eradicate it! Shys ought realise that although by nature they take longer than others to
feel comfortable in social situations, they do get there like everyone else. They should
realise their limitations and focus on building effective social skills, skills which help
them focus more externally, on others.
In fact, the outgoing people shys often envy achieve their social success not so much
because of an inborn tendency towards sociability, but precisely because they have made a
point of developing a repertoire of practical social skills that help them engage with
others. Using these same skills, shys can enjoy social contact as much as their non-shy
counterparts, but without fighting against their natural tendency to timidity, which, as
suggested earlier, is quite a positive trait. With this personal acceptance of shyness and
focus on social skills, shys are freed from self-consciousness and able to enjoy a healthy
social life.
Here are some of the skills in the repertoire of the socially-effective individual::
1. They schedule social time. Developing social skills and a strong social
network takes lots of time and practice.
2. They take advantage of everyday interactions to practice their skills. Ask
another student to borrow notes; make small talk with the grocer; start conversations with
people in line at the bank.
3. They don't expect others to do all the work. Simply being near other people
and waiting for them to draw you out of your shell is not enough, for the simple reason
that they, too, are probably not as outgoing as the life of the party.
4. They become aware of the people around them so they can approach them more easily.
At a party, listen to what a group of people is talking about. Are you interested in them
and what is being said? If so, what's the group's mood? Can you contribute something and
will it seem a good time and place to do? If you choose to jump in, make sure to listen
actively.
5. They are prepared. If your mind often "goes blank" around others,
make sure to have something to say ahead of time. Listen to the news and read the paper
and books to get some discussion topics. Have open-ended questions on hand.
6. They arrive early to social functions so they can get comfortable in the new
situation and so they can greet people as they come in and thus start conversations with
them more easily.
7. They relax. Use breathing exercises to calm your nerves. No one will notice
you doing them
8. They make eye contact when talking. Nothing distances a shy person more than
their avoidance of eye contact. Eye contact shows others you are interested in what they
are saying. Try looking at the speaker's forehead if eye contact seems too daunting.
9. They compliment. This is one of the easiest routes to social ease. It makes
you feel good and others will appreciate having spoken to you.
10. They don't say too much or too little. When you first meet someone,
disclosing too much or too little personal information lends others the impression you are
either socially-inept, lonely, and desperate, or cold and aloof.
11. They are not perfectionists. Your anecdotes do not have to be the most
engaging and your jokes don't have to leave tears running down people's faces. Others do
not have the high standards you set for yourself. The key is to be interested in other
people, not to be the most interesting person at the party. And besides, not everyone likes
someone who is the life of the party!
12. They handle failure. There will inevitably be failures when you try out your
new skills. Even the most outgoing individuals fail, often more times than shys! The key
is to keep in mind that a failed attempt at social connection may have been due to
circumstances beyond your control (perhaps you entered a private conversation, or someone
was too busy at the moment to talk with you. Take each failure as an opportunity to learn
improve skills.
13 They laugh! Approach your shyness with a sense of humour. Nothing gives you
that added boost more than laughing at yourself once in a while.
Brown GW, Harris T. Social Origins of Depression: A Study of Psychiatric Disorder in
Women. New York, Free Press, 1978.
Fones CSL, Manfro GG, Pollack MH: Social phobia: an update. Harvard Review of Psychiatry
5(5):247-259, 1998
House JS, Landis KR, Umberson D: Social relationships and health. Science 241:540-545,
1988.
Kiecolt-Glaser JK, Garner W, Speicher C, et al: Psychosomatic modifiers of
immunocompetence in medical students. Psychosomatic Medicine: 46:7-14, 1984.
Pilkonis PA, Heape C, Klein RH: Treating shyness and other psychiatric difficulties in
psychiatric outpatients. Communication Education 29:250-255, 1980
Rush AJ, Stewart RS, Garver DL, Waller DA: Neurobiological bases for psychiatric
disorders. In Rosenberg RN, Pleasure DE (eds): Comprehensive Neurology, 2nd ed, pp
555-603. New York, John Wiley and Sons, 1998
Zimbardo PG: Shyness. Reading, MA, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1977
Copyright © 2000, by Eddy M. Elmer
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