5 August 2003
I've grown quite a lot in the past few years
I post this entry in the spirit of transparency that I talked about in my 27 June 2003 diary entry...
A lot of people hear me talking about various "difficulties" and "challenges" I've experienced in the past, with the complaint that I often sound vague. They want to know what specifically these "difficulties" and "challenges" were. It's often hard to get into, because they stem from a long and involved personal history. Sometimes I find it easier to tell people the result of these difficulties and challenges—all the things that I wasn't able to do as a result. I'd like to list a few of those things for these curious people. I'd also like to say that over the last three years (the time that I've been in Vancouver so far), I have finally been able to accomplish most of these things. In other words, I have overcome a lot of my difficulties and challenges, and I am very proud of this (not to mention grateful to all the people who helped me overcome them). Anyway, without sounding even more vague, here's a small list of some of the things I had never done prior to, say, 2000:
- I had never fully accepted or liked myself
- I had never fully and honestly expressed my feelings
- I had had almost no friends (for much time, I did, indeed, have none)
- I had never been able to walk into a store to buy a cup of coffee, because I was so terrified of people
- I had never been able to walk into a store and feel comfortable buying something (I'd usually just run out in fear without having purchased anything)
- I had never taken up someone's offer to have coffee, go for lunch, have dinner, or just go out
- I had never had fun
- I had almost never gone out Friday or Saturday nights
- I had never been on a date
- I had never been able to wear blue jeans (would look just too casual)
- I had never been to a bar, club, or restaurant (with the exception of McDonald's, which was a challenge in and of itself)
- I had never been on a rollercoaster
- I had never thought myself competent
- I had never gone into a music store
- I had never been able to think of myself as having a romantic relationship with someone
- I had never been able to think of someone in a romantic way period
- I had never hugged someone
- I had never been able to look anyone in the eye
- I had never been to the movies (other than to the Cinesphere at Ontario Place with a class from school)
- I had never been on a plane
- I had never trusted my own feelings, my own direction, or my own self (now I totally trust my feelings)
- I had never talked about my sexuality with anyone
- I had never been able to talk about sex period
- I had never been able to talk about my musical preferences
- I had never left Ontario (in fact, I had never left the Greater Toronto area)
- I had never been able to freely talk about the people I liked, what I found attractive, whom I found attractive, etc.
- I had never been able to fully engage myself in someone else's world (including their experience and/or their problems) without getting lost in them
Today, I am doing/am able to do most of these things! It's amazing how much change can occur in a such a short period of time.