Related to my 27 June 2003 entry on transparency... A friend was telling me that I remind him of one of his own friends. I asked him how so. He told me that she speaks her mind fully, just like me; that she expresses her feelings as she feels them and that she doesn't care what anyone thinks of what she says. I must say, I was sort of upset that my friend would compare me to this person. Why, you ask? Well, let's say you have a strong opinion about something and want to convey it to someone else. You could do this in one of two ways. 1. "I think so-and-so and if you don't like it, that's too damned bad." 2. "I feel so-and-so about this issue. I understand if you may not agree with me." In case 1, the person is coming from a defensive stance. The person has a chip on her shoulder. She is conveying her feelings about the issue, but in a way that tells others "I really don't care what your response is." This is completely counter to the reason for expressing the feeling in the first place: to communicate with another person. If you approach someone from a position of defensiveness (ie, not caring for their response, whatever it may be), then you are essentially telling the other person that you don't really care to communicate anything to them. You are telling them that you are bitter and angry and that their response (whether in agreement with your thoughts/feelings) means nothing to you. When you are criticised for being this way, you respond automatically, "Oh but I'm only being honest." No, you're not. You're being defensive. For whatever reason, you are scared of or angry at people—or you are scared of being rejected by them—and so you approach people in a cold, rigid way, telling them you don't care about how they feel even before they can tell you! If this isn't a sign of defensiveness, I don't know what is.

In case 2, the person is honestly expressing her thoughts/feelings, but is also happy to acknowledge the other person's response, whether it be negative or positive. This dual acknowledgment—of one's own feelings and of another's feelings—demonstrates integrity and mental health. It shows that the person is being honest with herself and others and that she isn't putting up a front of defensiveness. Both ways of communicating involve personal expression, but only one of them is genuine and transparent (ie, defense-free). And only one of them is 100% open and honest. In case 1, the person isn't fully expressing all of her feelings; she is not expressing the reason for her bitterness and the chip on her shoulder. Thus, she is telling only half-truths. So her refrain that she's "only being honest" couldn't be farther from the truth.

Anyway, back to me :-) I'm trying really hard to communicate the way illustrated in case 2. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but the rewards are great. And the disadvantages of communicating in the way illustrated by case 1 are just too great: you end up pushing people away, making yourself bitter and angry, and causing great amounts of confusion for people who do stay and listen to you, because you're not fully expressing to them all your feelings (including the feelings you have that are making you so bitter, jaded, and defensive)..