I recently had a friend reveal to me that he is a very shy person. It came as somewhat of a surprise to me, because his behaviours are not consistent with those of someone you’d consider to be shy. Generally, he tends to behave in a fairly outgoing fashion. Lately, however, he has been acting even "more" outgoing than usual. He tells me that he has made a special effort to overcome his shyness and to be more direct in approaching people, in asking them out, etc.

He has been running into some problems with this, however. Some of the people he has approached have lamented that he is a bit too pushy for their tastes. Rather than attracting people, his effort to be more outgoing has actually been propelling some people away. Why is this?

Well, I think it’s because he’s trying really hard to be something that he’s not. He is a naturally shy person (ie, he seems to have been born with this natural personality disposition) [for background on what I mean by "person" and "self", see 22 July 2003]. Rather than embracing his shyness and the benefits of it (eg, shy people are often perceived as warm, as empathetic, as good listeners, etc.), he has been actively fighting against it and putting on a "show". People are instinctively able to pick up on incongruence between who one truly is on the inside and who one pretends to be.

Incongruence is off-putting not only because people prefer to relate with real people instead of with the roles they play, but because it can act as a red flag. Consider:

• If someone is hiding who they really are, why are they doing so? Are they hiding negative qualities which could be detrimental to a relationship?
• Are they hiding qualities which are indicative of a person’s instability or poor mental health?
• If someone lies about who they truly are, what else might they be lying about? This doesn’t provide a solid foundation for an interpersonal relationship

But what if I’m shy and it’s not something I was born with?

Some people are very shy but they weren’t necessarily born that way. Something had happened to them when they were growing up that interfered with their naturally outgoing qualities. Perhaps they were told by their parents, relatives, teachers, or friends that being outgoing was a bad thing. Or perhaps they were shamed so much that they developed a phobia of people.

In cases where events, conflicts, or issues like this interfere with the growth and expression of one’s own, natural, inborn qualities, shyness is not something that people should just embrace (as should my naturally shy friend). In fact, we’re not even dealing with shyness in this case. Shyness is a natural, inborn predisposition. I think when non-shy children start behaving like shy children, it is because they have developed some degree of social phobia; these are not shy children per se. And when we talk of social phobia, we now move out of the realm of inborn personality traits and into the realm of disorder (see entries for 5 May 2003 and 6 May 2003 for distinctions between traits and disorders).

Yet just as was the case with my friend, the naturally outgoing person who behaves in a shy way is incongruent; his behaviours are inconsistent with who he is on the inside. And again, people can instinctively pick up on this (and subsequently run away). In cases like this, it makes more sense for someone to do whatever is necessary to overcome one’s issues and let their true (outgoing) selves come through. When this kind of person forces himself to be direct and forward with people, it is not perceived as pushy or somehow "weird", because it is perceived as congruent behaviour (because it represents who the person really is on the inside). However, when a naturally shy person tries to behave in this way, it is perceived as very incongruent, and, thus, creepy?