At first glance, the question may seem trivial and worthy only of watercooler banter. However, when we consider the possible reasons behind "mismatches" in physical appearances between couples, we can sometimes learn a lot about the individual partners’ psychological angst, issues, conflicts, insecurities, personality, worldview, etc. And far from being fodder for armchair psychoanalysts, learning about people's psychological characteristics can help us understand our own issues, conflicts, etc.
Like attracts like; not opposites attract
This discussion, of course, presupposes that there is, indeed, something "odd" about physical mismatches between couples. Indeed, it is not the norm (as is popularly believed) that "opposites attract". What appears to be the norm across most cultures is that "like attracts like".
On such qualities as race, age, education, socio-economic status, religion, personality, goals, values, lifestyle, and many others, couples tend to be closely matched. Physical appearance is no exception, especially when we consider that if we have the opportunity, we will almost always prefer to have a physically attractive partner over an unattractive one (keeping in mind, of course, that people differ to some degree in what they generally consider "physically attractive" [see my note at the end of this diary entry]).
Of course, it needs to be said that sometimes we see an unattractive, older, rich man with a much younger, more attractive, but poorer woman. This does not negate the like-attracts-like proposition. What is happening here is a process of "trading off". In the eye of his younger, much more attractive partner, an older, physically unattractive man's exceptional financial resources may more than make up for his looks. And in his eyes, his partner's exceptional physical attractiveness may more than make up for her lack of financial resources. In both cases, there is still an equivalence of qualities—both partners still have the same overall degree of likeness because where one lacks a certain quality, another of his qualities more than makes up for it.
None of this means to imply, of course, that there is something bad, or necessarily unhealthy about mismatches. Rather, it is meant to demonstrate that mismatches in physical appearance deviate from the statistical norm—which is that "like attracts like". And sometimes, when things deviate from the norm, we become more aware of the possibility that there may be specific reasons for this state of affairs—reasons which may be indicative that a person is experiencing problems in terms of his/her perception of self and other, his/her self-esteem, etc. It is these problems—rather than the physical appearances themselves—which are the true items of interest. Mismatches in physical attractiveness are merely a simple, arbitrary context in which to explore these perceptual (and many other) individual, personal issues.
A caveat
Before I get into any reasons for physical mismatches, it can't be stressed enough that for some couples, the physical appearance of each partner is just not a big issue. As far as they are concerned, their partner's inner attributes far outweigh their physical ones—or perhaps they even cancel out their partner's physical unattractiveness. A given person may have such a wonderful personality that their physical appearance just doesn't seem to have any major bearing on the attraction between the two of them.
However, based on my observations and conversations with several so-called physically "mismatched" couples, there are usually psychologically significant reasons for the mismatches (reasons that predate any belief that physical appearance isn’t as important as a partner’s inner attributes—a belief which may almost seem like an after-the-fact cover-up for one’s inability to find someone who matches them in physical attractiveness). And the reasons for the "mismatches" are often indicative of both partners’ negative perceptions of self and other, their own insecurities, and other individual conflicts or issues.
The specific reasons for couple mismatches
As stated earlier, if given the chance, most of us would prefer to be with a physically attractive partner than a physically unattractive one. However, sometimes this isn’t possible. The main reason is when the person seeking a partner isn’t physically attractive himself.
However, there is also a more psychological reason. People appear to be able to "get" only what they think they can get. Therefore, regardless of their degree of physical attractiveness, if they don’t consider themselves to be attractive they may come to feel that they are unable to attract a physically attractive partner. They end up not even making the effort to do so. They also end up projecting the sense that they are unworthy or undeserving of a physically attractive partner.
There are two primary reasons for this. First, a person may just have low over all self-esteem. Second, a person may be suffering from the "ugly duckling syndrome" (which occurs when a person who was physically unattractive during youth becomes physically attractive as an adult but is unable to appreciate his/her attractiveness because his long history of physical unattractiveness became pervasively internalised as a sense that he is "ugly").
The role of infant and adult attachment histories and styles
A second, even more psychological reason can be used to explain why we sometimes see couple mismatches. I draw on attachment theory (see John Bowlby's series on attachment and loss) for this explanation. In order to explain this notion, I need to take a few seconds to briefly explain the theory, especially because the term "attachment" differs from what we normally think of when we hear that seemingly simple, but misleading term.
Attachment theory
Bowlby believed that the patterns of interactions an infant has with close caregivers determine the kinds of close emotional attachments he will have with adults. The bridge between these earlier childhood experiences and the relationships the infant has as an adult are the "internal working models" of self and other that he develops out of these early relationships. The infant who receives consistent warmth and care from most of his caregivers during times of need (eg, times of stress, illness) is considered to have a secure attachment history. From this secure attachment history, he develops what are called positive "internal working models" of self and of other. The infant, in other words, comes to see and internalise the world as a good and safe place, where people close to him are generally reliable and available in times of need. He also develops a sense of himself as worthy of receiving care when he is in need. (For more details on infant attachment, see http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Shores/6052/relationships3.html, http://www.personalityresearch.org/attachment.html, http://attachment.adoption.com, and http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/).
The positive internal working models developed in childhood function like "templates" for the infant’s subsequent relationships in adulthood. They determine how he will come to view himself and others in the context of close interpersonal relationships—and how he will, consequently, behave in those relationships, especially in terms of seeking care and comfort from other adults in times of need. These perceptions of self and others, along with the behaviours that result, form what is called the adult’s "attachment style".
Adults who had a pattern of secure attachments in childhood show a "secure attachment style" in their adult relationships. They feel comfortable in close relationships and have no problems seeking out other people as "safe havens" in times of stress. Adults who didn’t receive consistently warm and responsive care from their caregivers (or who were otherwise neglected or abused) develop a negative working model of self and other. As a result, they tend to go on to exhibit an insecure attachment style in their adult relationships. Like everyone else, they want care and support from others in times of need, but unfortunately they feel that people are unavailable for them during those times; or that they are unworthy of receiving care during those times; or perhaps even both.
There are three types of insecure attachment styles, each based on a specific combination of internal working models. People with a dismissing attachment style have a positive model of self, but a negative model of other. Despite feeling worthy of care as individuals, they feel that others will not be available for them when they need them. As a result, they do not feel comfortable seeking care from those close to them. In times of need, they tend to be dismissing of those close to them (if, indeed, they are even able to form close relationships in the first place).
People with a preoccupied attachment style are the opposite—they feel bad about themselves and that they are unworthy of care. However, they have a positive working model of others—they feel that others can and will be available for them in times of need. Because of this combination of negative and positive internal working models, they are constantly preoccupied with relationships. They want to get close to others (because they know that others can, indeed, provide care for them in times of need) yet they are forever afraid that they will be rejected. As a result, they may behave in a dependent, clingy, or jealous fashion in their close relationship in order to assuage their constant fears of abandonment. Preoccupied people may have more difficulty than secure people in both meeting new people/initiating relationships, and in maintaining those relationships.
Finally, those with a fearful attachment style have a negative working model of both self and other. Like everyone, they crave care and support during times of need, but they feel both that they are unworthy of this care and that others will not be available for them when they need them. From an attachment perspective, they are the worst off. They are terrified of using others as a secure base, and are even more terrified of meeting new people who can help them fulfill their attachment needs. (For more information on adult attachment and attachment styles, see http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Shores/6052/relationships8.html and http://www.geocities.com/research93/attach.htm. (For more background and current thinking on the topic of attachment, see the Attachment section of my Psychology Resources database).
Relationship between attachment style and physical mismatches between couples
It is my contention that in relationships in which there is a physical mismatch between couples, both partners exhibit one of the three insecure attachment styles (and I think they were like this prior to meeting each other).
In particular, it seems that (in many cases) the physically attractive partner in the relationship has a fearful attachment style. As you recall, a person with a fearful attachment style has a negative working model of both self and other. Among other things, he will generally find it difficult to "put himself out there" in terms of meeting new people—including other physically attractive people. And of course, most other people (including physically attractive ones) won’t really take the initiative themselves to try to get to know this person. First of all, anyone with a secure attachment style (including a physically attractive person with a secure attachment style) will tend to stay away from someone who has an insecure style (ie, they are psychologically healthy to avoid getting into relationships with insecure people). Second, people with a dismissive attachment style (including physically attractive dismissing people) don’t bother making an effort to put themselves out there and interact with others. Finally, people with a fearful attachment style (including physically attractive ones) are just too scared to put themselves out there. So, in the end, it seems that the physically attractive yet fearfully attached person really does remain alone.
But wait. There is one type of person who will make more than a serious attempt to woo a fearfully attached physically attractive person: the preoccupied person. As stated earlier, the preoccupied person is almost obsessed with attracting and keeping people in her life (in order to ease her constant fears of abandonment). As a result, she can become very competitive in terms of pursuing potential partners—especially physically attractive ones (and physically attractive ones can go a long way in countering one’s negative model of self and boosting one’s feelings of self esteem and perceived worth as a person).
This situation can be very appealing for a fearful person who is terrified of putting himself out in social situations in which he can meet attractive people. Here he has someone who is willing to shower him with all sorts of attention—and he doesn’t even have to do anything. What a (seemingly) perfect match. But here is where the physical attraction dimension comes in. It’s only a specific kind of preoccupied person who will be likely to end up with a physically attractive, fearful person—the unattractive preoccupied one.
Why?
Because the physically unattractive preoccupied person is more likely to perceive that s/he has less "going" for him/her than the physically attractive preoccupied person. Whereas the former has only insecurity to contend with, the latter has two things which are perceived as "strikes" against him/her: insecurity (ie a psychological "issue") as well as perceived lack of physical appeal. Because the physically unattractive person perceives that s/he "has less" than the attractive preoccupied person, it becomes much more important for that person to do whatever s/he can to gain something that will make up for what s/he perceives as a "lack" in his/her life.
A great way to make up for this perceived lack is to doggedly pursue and get a boyfriend/girlfriend who is physically attractive. This is a great way to boost one’s over all self-esteem and perception in the eyes of others (indeed, however immoral, our culture places a high value both on physically attractive people and on those who know them). The physically unattractive preoccupied person will, therefore, compete fiercely with the only other competitor for the attractive fearful person—the preoccupied yet physically attractive person. In more cases than not, it looks like the physically attractive preoccupied person is so competitive that s/he beats the other hands-down. In other words, the physically attractive fearful person and the physically unattractive preoccupied person end up together because the latter beats the preoccupied attractive person to it. The attractive preoccupied person doesn’t even get an opportunity to interact with the fearful attractive person!
So who cares? Why does this matter?
You can see from all this one major way in which a physically unattractive person can become bonded with a physically attractive one—how, in other words, we get an anomalous instance of opposites attract.
Why is any of this important? Certainly not for judgmental reasons. It is not at all meant to suggest that physical attractiveness is "good", "bad", "better", or "worse" than anything else. What it is meant to do is enlighten us as to the power of psychological forces such as attachment history and attachment style. Physical attraction is just an arbitrary context in which to appreciate the role, influence, and mechanics of these forces. And, as I said earlier, it is an appreciation of these forces that can help us develop greater introspection into our own personal histories, our own sense of self, and our own sense of other.
Notes:
While I recognise that people differ as to what they personally find "physically attractive", it is undeniable that there are certain universal, basic qualities that people consider "attractive". These qualities include clear skin, nice hair, strong bones, chiseled features (including chiseled jaw), nice eyes, well-spaced features, featural symmetry, youthful-looking features for women, and rugged-looking features for men. In women, we also include large breasts and a waist-to-hip ratio of under .7. For men, we also include a generally muscular physique, tallness, a broad forehead, and strong brow-line. Outside
of these basic traits, people can differ in terms of what they
consider "physically attractive".